"Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
All the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away"
'Don't Look Back In Anger '- Oasis
First let me start with I am not perfect, i have flaws and imperfections that i am NOT OK with, but i am trying to change the ones i can and accept the ones I can't.
So that being said, this past weekend an incident arose when i tried to call home and there was no answer. For 3 hours. At first it was no big deal, then i became worried, then scared, and well, then there was anger last at bat, to up the ante. Of course everything was fine in the end, but as i laid my head down on that fabulous Marriott pillow (seriously to die for, so fluffy its crazy, but i digress) I couldn't get over how angry i had gotten and i couldn't understand WHY i was so angry and had reacted the way i did.
Eventually my brain let me doze off and i slept on it, when i awoke i had no answers, but i went straight to my mat. I took my yoga practice to the pool room that morning and as i did my sun salutations, my head cleared. I laid on the cool tile floor for savasana (corpse pose) and i meditated on this anger in which i found i wasn't very angry at all, if anything i was so full of love i could have burst. I began to peel the onion, I released that anger and found the fear that was at the heart of the issue, addressed the fear, acknowledged the fear, and...
let. it. go.
We as humans have many emotions and we have a right to all of them, but behind anger there is always, ALWAYS, fear. Maybe we know it immediately and sometimes we can't even put into words what it is that we are afraid of, but there it is, hiding way deep inside, in places we don't always like to go.
For me, I have always gone to anger, it's an emotion i have known well in my life. I've seen it, I've heard it, I've witnessed it and "performed" it well. Anger and I go way back, and we were comfy with one another. More so than fear. In fact I'm pretty afraid of that emotion, "fear", it makes me feel uncomfortable, uneasy...vulnerable.
At least anger and I, we know how to command a room, we can wield it and control it and we think it gives us a lot of power. It sure makes us feel powerful and in control, but when it comes down to it, I am weak. If i can admit my fear, admit my "human-ness", isn't that the more brave thing? If i can admit I'm afraid of failing, afraid of losing someone i love, afraid of falling, hell being afraid of being afraid, isn't it then that i become powerful? By addressing that fear, talking about that fear it loses some of "it's" power.
"He controls his senses and his mind intent upon liberation; when desire, fear, and anger have left him, that man is forever free"
- The Bhagavad Gita (5.26)
Being angry isn't power. It's a shield for our fears. I am just now starting to get comfy in my own skin and ALL of my emotions. To really delve in there, it's scary to get in my head, believe me, but to get in there and focus on what is going on in my heart and mind and body, I've never felt more sure of myself or more empowered.
We are all works in progress, my hope is that we may all bloom to our full potential, to be our radiant selves, so that our light may brighten others.
A Blooming Yogini is someone on a journey to their authentic self, a union of mind, body and spirit to a more healthy, thriving , and vibrant you.
Live. Love. Bloom.
Casandra Barnes - The Blooming Yogini