Casandra Barnes - The Blooming Yogini
Tis the night before training and I don’t know what to expect, what if I get in there and I’m just a train wreck? I can’t hold my crow or stand on my head, but something inside me begs to be fed. To go a little deeper, to spread the love, to let go of fear, and ultimately grow, when push comes to shove…
So yoga teacher training begins tomorrow and I’m excited and nervous and really the best way to explain how I’m feeling is a quote by Ms. Sylvia Plath – “I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.”
They say if your dreams don’t scare you, you’re not dreaming big enough. Well I’m scared, I’m not going to lie. I am 34 years old. And finally, FINALLY, I have fallen in love with something so deeply, that I want to be able to spread that love and help others to find strength and peace and whatever else should come from taking a step onto their mats. I have never had this much conviction about what I wanted to do or learn, even when I went to college, some 16 years ago. It’s humbling to find that now, after all this time that I’ve been searching. Even so, I am still not sure that I found yoga, as much as yoga “found” me.
We all ask for big opportunities and when they arrive sometimes we shrink away from them. Are we scared of greatness? Maybe. Afraid of change, which we ask boldly for all the time, but silently pray nothing does? Possibly. Maybe I’m afraid of laying my vulnerability on my mat for others to see. “Everyone, your attention please, bear witness to my weaknesses and fears!” Maybe that’s why after weeks of being so excited to begin this journey, that little voice inside my head that whispers “you have got to be kidding, you think you can actually do this ” has become a distinct low roar instead.
I keep thinking of all the possibilities, but I’m trying to stay grounded in the now. When fears arise, I continue to remind myself that there is plenty of time, plenty of room at the yoga “table”, and to just stay the course. To be open. To let go. Let go of having to control everything. Let go of expectations. Let go of frustrations. Let go of pain and hurts. To let go of disappointments. To let go of fear. To let go of competition. To let go and be the full expression of myself. Remind myself this is my journey, my path, I may be traveling with a group of others but we all must travel our own path.
Others? Yes, there are others. Of course then I begin to worry, yes, about the group thing. Just like the night before kindergarten, or high school, or college, yes the same fear has always been present; What if no one likes me? What if I sit alone at lunch? What if I say something stupid? To only again remind myself it’s not about them, and really it’s not about me either, it’s a bigger picture, way bigger than that, and what a privilege it is to be on this particular journey at this time in this particular chapter of my life.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.
Let’s do this.
Love and light.
We are all works in progress, my hope is that we may all bloom to our full potential, to be our radiant selves, so that our light may brighten others.
A Blooming Yogini is someone on a journey to their authentic self, a union of mind, body and spirit to a more healthy, thriving , and vibrant you.
Live. Love. Bloom.